Guessing never hurt anybody, probably helped

It's like one of those bad situations that stay a bad situation until you truly look at the big picture. I, a human, stare at the little details and the now and the past. I don't look at the future, which I happen to wish will be longer than my past but not too long for I don't long to live that long. Long is a very used word in that sentence, possibly overused. I, a human, wish not to look at the big picture for it will shy me away from the tiny details and past and present that I'm purely dedicated to focus on. What if I looked at the big picture? Would that mean I've seen the light? Would it mean that I've had my peace of mind? Or would it mean that I was so tired of just sitting here waiting for something to happen and my last resort was the hushed away scenery of what could be? I could be optimistic and think it's for the better and that my down-years are over, but what if it's not? What if it continues to decline because it's supposed to be that way. What if I look and see the sad truth that my fall isn't over yet and that I'll have to wait for my triumph, my little safety zone in which I can finally say that life is alllll good. I could be optimistic and see that it's my choice to lift my low spirits, or is it all waiting. Waiting on whatever to come by, destiny. People choose their destinies, I know that for fact. It was my choice to sit at the computer instead of study for a quiz I could possibly fail due to lack of my knowledge of the material. It was her choice to lay there and put aside the small voice in her head saying no. It was his choice to look away because it wasn't worth it. It was hers, it was his, it was mines. Are they excuses? The tone makes the sentence what it is, am I right? A complaint, an epiphany, or a simple statement made just because. Life's questions can't be answered in one simple yes or no. They can't even be answered, simple is the least of which don't apply. So why am I asking so many questions? Wondering and worrying about what was, is, and is to come? I am human, and He is God. I don't know what He is thinking. Why can't I just assume everything will be ohkay. Why can't I have faith and just trust. Is it so hard to trust? I can trust myself to make stupid decisions. Why can't I trust Him to give me advice in troubles I can't handle and I completely admit that I believe. I don't have to see to believe. You don't have to see to believe. Yet I'm sitting here with the back side of my thought gnawing at me telling me vicious fears of which I don't like to tend to. They're important, of course. So important in fact that I've pushed it aside so much that it's like an overfilled ziploc of frosting. Sooner or later it'll ooze and all I have left is to clean it up, throw it out, and never look at is again. So why do I have to wait until it oozes out? Is it 'cause there's no mess yet? Why clean up something that hasn't created a mess? Or is 'cause it has creating a mess and I just haven't seen it yet. The little hole on the side of the bag facing the table. The frosting slowly seeping out, beyond your knowledge. Maybe, just maybe.